hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
