this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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