God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My ass is underappreciated
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize