You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
