He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
