i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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