Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
