Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He felt like a one man threesome
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
