well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
