I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
