Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
