You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
