Sry I called you an 8
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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