I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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