What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
