You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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