Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
