The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
