You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
