Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
