remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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