I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
