false alarm. still invincible.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
