Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
