I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
