you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
