question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
