the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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