I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
