Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
