Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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