If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
