last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
