I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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