its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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