im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
