no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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