When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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