I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Drunk is a universal language darling
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