you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
