Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
