You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
