So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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