Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that