Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?