you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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