Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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