I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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