There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
