Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
