I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
my phone needs a breathalizer
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
